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July 5, 2017     Hays Free Press
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July 5, 2017
 

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK "The trees in thepark are a hugepart oft&park's history and heritage and we want to be sure they are taken care of properly." - Kerry Urbanowicz, Kyle Parks and Recreations Department (PARD) director Hays Free Press • July 5, 2017 Page 3A 0 ,.:" ~> ....... "need to stop and thank all the nice folk who've .been kind enough to take time from their busy schedules to provide this column with some constructive criticism. By the way, moron is spelled with two Os, idiot doesn't have an E and using all caps is frankly, rather rude. It seems a segment of my loyal audience has come to the consid- ered opinion that this award-seeking, hard-hit- ring, investigative journal- istic feature needs to be more positive as concerns our 45th president, Don- aid J. Trump. And they do not mean to hear he is positively a puppet of a dyspeptic alien lizard and our country is now knee-deep in despicable doo-doo and will be for 3 Raging Moderate by Will Durst years and 7 more months. It is my most recent musings that have been accused by a grammat- ically-challenged few as skewing towards the contrary, overly focused on the gloomy, and said unsolicited feedback im- plores me to make efforts concentrating on the uplifting and employing a more optimistic myopia. It should be pointed out that the job descrip- tion of political humorist does entail this sort of mocking and scoffing and taunting no matter the partisan nature of the White House occupant. That's part of the deal. You would think people who supported a guy who called opponents "Little Marco," "Lying Ted" and "Crooked Hillary" would realize that "Stupid Donald" was in the offing. Especially With such low-hanging fruit. Everything is fair game, including, but not limited to, all administrative behaviors such as men- dacity, stupidity, duplicity, chicanery, hypocrisy, humidity, treachery and treason. Then throw in verbatim quotes, physical features, speech patterns and an exact recitation of actions and the satirical possibilities bloom into a cornucopia of delights. Admittedly, it is much easier to vamp on the current confusion and malfeasance than during the previous administra- tion when scandals were at such a premium that Fox News once feigned outrage that President Barack Obama wore a beige suit. But for those of you who feel that there has beer/abias on the part of your intrepid correspon- dent, please accept our heartfelt apologies, and allow Durstco to make it all up to you, by calming the waters with a list of these affirmative aspects of living in America during the Time of Trump. • The next president won't have to worry about living up to impossibly high stan- dards. • Donald J. Trump guar- anteed a post-presiden- tial, promotional tie-in with Twitter. • No longer have to study Theater of the Absurd in French. • Washington D.C. legal industry specializing in criminal defense expe- riencing a growth spurt. • The president has done for political comedy what legalized marijua- na did for Cheetos. • The phrase "witch hunt" has reentered the popular lexicon. • Even racist, xenopho- bic, misogynist, incom- petent blowhards need role models. • His cabinet announced they are blessed to serve him and that his eyes are dreamy. • Didn't allow Ted Nugent to sing at his Inaugura- tion. • Actual proof to the old adage that in America, anyone can grow up to be President, as long as they're not a woman. • Both Democrats and Republicans united in their disdain for James Comey. • Don't ever have to wor- ry about this First Lady running for president. • Russian language schools are swamped. • Sales of Maple Leaf patches to be sewn onto backpacks when traveling overseas have skyrocketed. Feel better now, people? t Will Durst is an award-winning, nation- ally acclaimed colum- nist, comic and former babysitter in New Berlin, Wisconsin. D r2 7wa s p inthee el bbyandthedeep tateg ernmen dr enthet r ide h b posed to be the month pizza lobby." bureaucrats who try tocrazy with their embar- of payroll deductions on my 13-year-old son ' ]rade$ Sure, I've felt tempo- make trouble for new rassing questions. ("You his meager check stub). eon went to Washing- by rary pangs of guilt about administrations. Some say DOLLEY MADISON He may want to observe a ton, D.C. on a youth tour. Danny Tyree passing up this educa- go really deep. ("Just you saved a White House moment of silence at the For reasons that had tional experience. One wait, Harry S Truman - I'll portrait from the Brit- Tomb of the Unknown nothing to do with recent website touting Wash-fix...hey, do the dentures ish during the War ofDumpster Diver. gunfire or the current oc- ington tourist attractions stop here?") 18127 Sure, and I'll bet Yes, someday young cupant of the Oval Office free D.C. trip between his made it sound downright And the other HOSTESS TWINKLES Mr. Tyree WILL return to (or the fact that "draining junior and senior years, unpatriotic not to "Feel kids would probably stood there telling all the Washington and cam- the swamp" might be too so he's handling his dis- the pulse of Ameri- have been rowdy and Redcoats 'Shhhhh' in the paign for his pet causes: overpowering a concept appointment well. can politics at the U.S. robbed Gideon of his Library of Congress.") a mandatory waiting for a lad who still cringes He has his karate class, Capitol." Of course, with much-needed sleep. He Right now, Gideon period on wedgies; a at parental suggestions his talk radio favorites the medical coverage would likely have been as needs a stable environ- single-payer system for about "emptying the cat (PhilValentine and Mark they provide themselves, cranky and unpredictable ment for the summer, in- those &%$^ door-to- litterbox" or "picking up Levin) and his Dean feeling the pulse is no big as some of those federal stead of a city where the door magazine sales; that HazMat suit from Martin impersonationsdeal for congressmen. For judges who get up on scope of investigations and rejection of CON- your bedroom floor"), to keep him busy. If he the rest of us, feeling the the wrong side of bed.can expand willy-nilly. CEALED-CARRY permits my wife and I decided to sang "That's Amore" pulse probably involves ("Holding truths to be ("How many licks does it for school cafeteria mys- cancel our plans and get inside The Beltway, the scolding about "out-of- self-evident? That's clearly take to get to the center of tery meat methane. a refund, lyrics would have to be network," "cosmetic pro- unconstitutional, divisive a Tootsie Pop, and can the Gideon made a quick changed to "When the cedure" and "preexisting and traumatizing! Where's Russians do it faster?") Danny welcomes email tour of the Smithsonian's moon hits your eye/Like condition." my auto-correct app for Perhaps Gideon will responses at tyreetyrades@ National Museum of a big pizza pie/That's a It's probably best that founding principles?") have an even clearer aol.com. Danny's column Natural History with us golden opportunity for Gideon didn't have toGideon is something of picture of Washington if is distributed exclusiuely four years ago and stands collusion between thebe exposed to all those a history buff, but some he delays his second trip by Cagle Cartoons Inc. a chance of winning a SpaceX lobby, the hitting- nefarious, entrenchedof the kids might have until he has an after- newspaper syndicate. Barton Publications, Inc. News tips: news@haysfreepress.com Opinions: csb@haysfreepress.com 113 W. Center St., Kyle, TX 78640 www.haysfreepress.com 512-268-7862 Publisher Reporters Proofreaders Production Manager Cyndy Slovak-Barton Samantha Smith Jane Kirkham David White News and Sports Editor Moses Leos III Columnists Bartee Haile, Pauline Tom, Chris Winslow, Clint Younts Marketing Director Tracy Mack Marketing Specialist James Darby Production Assistant Christine Thorpe Circulation/Classifieds David White Distribution Gabe Ornelas Tanya Ornelas + + Ill ili